I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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