We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
