wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
