4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
