Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Randomize
