I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
