theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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