I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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