Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
