the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
