I feel like abortions should bother me more
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
that may or may not have been my penis.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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