Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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