She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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