I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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