yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize