I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
