listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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