Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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