if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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