I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
