everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
