I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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