at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
