This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
