Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
