whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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