I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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