he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize