Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
