I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
