I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
