our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
