saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
