Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
