i don't like sucking hair
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
