she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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