I cannot find my penis.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
