I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
