I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
