Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
