My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
