can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I seem to have left my pride at pride
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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