'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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