Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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