he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
