my mouth tastes like poor choices
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
