Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
