nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
