So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
