The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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