You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
