sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
