Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
