So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
