he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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