made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
