I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
