my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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