his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize